A Tribute To My Son

Today my son is 11 years old. I thought that writing a tribute to him might be a good way to express how special he is to me.  So, this is for you Josiah.

With all of the busy-ness in life, it is easy to forget a lot of details. The one thing I can never forget is looking into the eyes of my son. When I held him, his eyes smiled at me, and when we danced together, they sparkled. Without saying a word, my boy reflected such beauty from his soul. I can remember feeling so unworthy of such a blessing.

One day, while sitting down with some family members, I said, “I hope that he knows how much I love him.”  I was told that he did know how much, but I was never convinced that he really knew how much his life had impacted my own.

This little baby boy had colic so bad that I had to lay him on his stomach every night, and tap his back while simultaniously offering him a pacifier so that he would go to sleep. I would lay next to him for a while and just stare at this beautiful masterpiece, and then, I would gently lift him up, turn him over, and lay him in his bassinet.

There were times when his crying got to me so much that I started to cry as well. My first son had been so easy to manage, and this one was a bit of a challenge. He balanced out the hard times though with his winning personality and his love for life, and, those eyes.

As he grew, I could see that he was a bit hyper. He would run into walls and glass doors with or without looking where he was going. He had me climbing the walls just to take a breather. Still though,  whenever I dropped something, he would rush to pick it up for me without being asked. He was always so helpful. He was very imaginative and everything he found in the yard, from springs, to twigs, to long lost shells, or ropes ,or soda tabs, was a treasure to him. “I found a treasure,” he would say. So I gave him a box to keep all of his treasures in. He was quite courageous as well. He was always willing to try new things, trusting that we wouldn’t lead him astray.

More children have come along and Josiah is a wonderful big brother to them. He will stop what he is doing to take his little 2 year old brother for a walk, or he will sit on the kitchen floor and play trains with sounds for all the characters involved. He will play video games with another of his siblings or drums with his older brother in a band they formed. He is also very able to be alone and quiet. He doesn’t mind taking the boat out alone on the pond, or simply building something in his bedroom.  He is very versatile.

Now, at 11 years old, I still see that boy who exudes love. Josiah you are so precious and I hope that your life brings you as much joy as you have given to me. Thank you for being you and have a very happy birthday. You are my treasure.

Love, Mom

Daring to Dream

I didn’t want to do it, but I did. I felt awkward, and it was my first official meeting, but I did it anyway. I wore the ragged old shirt from years ago because I wanted to prove a point. Although this shirt had holes in it and the color was faded, the message was still loud and clear, “dare to dream again.” Like this shirt, I am broken as well, but, through saving grace I am daring to dream again.

I have always been very honest. Throughout school I was told that I was honest and efficient. Sometimes though, I have found, that honesty can be a cover up for hiding  those dark places that you don’t want to expose. I think that I am so honest so that others will be satisfied and not want to dig any deeper. If they did dig deeper, they would see my brokenness.

Gods dreams for you are better than you can imagine for yourself, because he knows what you need.

Ps 139:1  13 “For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.  14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.” God sees us as His beautiful creation.

1 peter 1:5-9 “who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.  6 ¶ In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials,  7 that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,” Going through trials, recreates you and allows the beauty that was given to you from the start, not to be hidden by the shame of sin.

2 cor. 4: 7-12    7 “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.  8 ¶ We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;  9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed–  10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.  11 For we who live are alway delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.  12 So then death is working in us, but life in you.” When we die to ourselves and what it is that we want, we can focus on Christ and what He wants. This will bring about beauty from our ashes.

As a toddler, I was a deep thinker, someone who would rather analyze and fix things instead of play carelessly. When I was five, I began to analyze the feeling of being alone in the world. This feeling stayed with me. I am still that girl who was lying in bed, facing the wall. All of the scenarios that I ran through my mind were what a job I had to do, but how helpless I was to do it.

As a teen, I was into the same things that I am into now. I liked to cook, to clean, to garden… I liked to have fun. I was very aggressive about what I could see as right and wrong. I felt unprotected from life. My goal, was to force people to protect me by acting out in different ways. My dream was independence.

At 16- I became a christian. I assumed that label that means to be Christ-like.  The conference that I became a christian at was Dare to Dream Again. My relationship with Christ was very meaningful as I felt like He was looking out for my welfare. I believe that for a long time I was trying to live up to that label rather than knowing I was a precious creation of Gods. I got married shortly after.

Life happened, as it does. Finances were failing and we both had a huge responsibility in raising our family. My husband and I have seven children and my new goal was to protect them. At one point, one developed a lung abcess while I was pregnant for one with a cleft lip and palate. It was at this time, in 2010, in the hospital, that my analytical nature came to a complete circle and I was that little girl, lying in the bed, feeling the weight of the world and yet helpless to hold it.

God showed me many things while I was in that position. I had to face myself. There was no label or grand thing I could do or say to make it all better. I resorted to my old self wanting to escape through death, but, my belief in God was too strong for that. Something happened there, like a realization, and something inside me did die.I believe it was my desire to accomplish my will. I decided from that point on, my life was going to be useful. I had enough wondering why. Why was I born? Why this was happening or that?  As the song says, “just give me Jesus,” or, “in your presence, thats where I am strong, thats where I belong. I thought of all that I have been through and  I felt I had been raised for a certain position and I decided to use it for the glory of God instead of trying to force everyone else to be in that position that I was called for. I read many books after that. One told me about the shigionoth which is a worship song, like a prayer that comes from your brokenness. A song of worship that comes from the depths of your soul. Those depths that we have no expression of, but, through our song of worship, our father understands and accepts our prayer. I learned there is a cause within me, and that I should seek God on what that cause is. No cause was too small as we are all part of a body. I read that often the thing we struggled with the most turned out to be what our cause is to fight against. I feel that I heard from God when I realized that my cause is encouragement because depression has always been a major problem for me. I found that not only does it help others to be encouraged, but it keeps me going as well. I read about disciplining my life even down to the food I put in my mouth. I should be taking care of myself.

I’ve learned some lessons since that time. For a time I did not raise my hands in church because it makes me very self concious to do so. I figured that the worship was coming from my heart and nobody can have my relationship with God. God then used many things, so many things, to speak to me that the lifting of my hands was an act of the flesh surrendering to Christ and so others could know that I worshipping, and that I loved Jesus.  God is continually teaching me new things. What is amazing to me though is that through these new lessons my brokenness is healing. That song, “I believe that your my healer,” wrecks me. I do believe. From those trials that I have been through, I have come to a place where I am starting to see me the way God does and it is hard to accept. The realization that my husband really loves me is extremely hard for me to accept. To know that there are people in my life who are really following after Gods heart and care enough not to quit on me astounds me. That my children  love me is amazing. I am humbled at how God sees me, and his grace makes me strive to do better. I would like everyone to know how valuable they are.

At women of faith, though I was not expecting much from a particular speaker, her testimony pierced my heart and, in my mind, God himself walked up to that bedside of that little girl and swooped me up into his arms. I felt his love for me and I was happy to be helpless in his strong arms. I was, as Isaiah says it, undone. My only problem in life at that moment was how to collect myself so that when the lights came on, I could fellowship with the people beside me. I want more of that in my life. That is as close to heaven as I have ever been. The only words that came to mind to describe it when I was there was, first love. This was a love that felt so familiar, but one that I had never experienced before. Amazing.

Joseph had a dream, and was a favorite of his fathers, but he was taken into captivity into Egypt. I imagine he had a lot of time to think and to go over the scenario and how he might have done things differently if he had to do it all over again. Joseph’s  life looked hopeless. But God had a plan, that during his captivity, Gods strength would be shown through the weakness of this vessel. Although given a place of honor in the kingdom, Joseph acknowledged God as his Savior and strength.

The man who said he was not worthy to loose Jesus’ sandals, John the baptist, questioned Jesus while he was in prison. Are you the one or do we look for another? This is because John was not released from prison. Jesus reminded him of ALL THAT HE WAS DOING, not of the things that he was not doing. God had a plan.

I have just celebrated my 13th anniversary, soon I will be 30 years old, and I have been evaluating my dreams and goals. I sometimes wonder where this life of mine is headed.  I still do need a reminder every so often that God has a dream for my life.I found a reminder of hope as I was talking to a friend of mine. I then stumbled upon a book entitled, God Has A Dream For Your Life. How perfect. This is how God speaks to me sometimes.

 

——–  In the winter our homes can feel like a prison sentence,In the springtime, we move aside leaves in order to find life sprouting up from the ground. We need to do the same in our lives, as they are, right now. Allow yourself the freedom to let go, for its God that gives us life, our job, is to reach for His light, His dreams. Let go of the controls and surrender your life to God. His dreams for you are more fulfilling, more powerful, more wonderful than anything we could imagine. No eye has seen and no ear has heard what God has in store for those who love him and are called according to his purpose.

Freedom

This word is something that we have all searched for at some point. The founders of our countries were basing their lives on this one word. People have given their lives so that we might have this. The ultimate sacrifice is to put yourself into captivity for the sake of another.

You are not your parents, or the person who abused you. You have not become those things that you dreaded the most to become. You are an ever-changing spirit in control of the decisions you make. I have come to realize that  freedom is more than a word, it is more than a history lesson, it is worth fighting for, and sometimes the hardest battles to fight are within yourself. Freedom is a lifestyle that is a daily choice of discipline.

When some hear the word freedom, they may think of sweet release. Perhaps you think of flying like a bird or floating in the wind like a feather in the breeze. Ultimately, freedom can feel like this, but, freedom is not irresponsible, it is a discipline.

I have felt alone in my life, have you? I have felt so trapped that I was desperate. I have felt that everyone was against me. To quote a scripture; Ps 118:6 The LORD is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me? I found freedom when I realized that God was in control. I was shown this, not because everything in my life goes right, but, because I am very aware of some things in my life that He allowed to happen and saw me through.  My God has given me freedom to be the beautiful creation that He intended and has shown me, He will never let me go. This God, I am happy to call, my father in heaven.

I am so aware that the church world is falling apart. People who are stuck in traditional religiosity, are unknowingly trying to snuff out the passion that God intends to use in people to invite others to live in freedom. This passion though, has been given by God and not only will it not be quenched, but it cannot be quenched. Freedom has shown us that it begins in the one heart that is willing to fight for it and it spreads like a wildfire. How much does freedom mean to you? Could it mean enough to you to stay in a church where others don’t fall into line with your convictions? Could it mean enough to you to love the very ones that are trying to hold you captive? The world needs people who are willing to battle those feelings in themselves of giving up, and are willing to charge ahead, finding their freedom in Christ alone. Freedom is yours for the taking.

The Isaac Clause

Ge 22:9 And they came to the place which God had told him of; and Abraham built an altar there, and laid the wood in order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar upon the wood.

I feel that God has been speaking to me lately a message that scares me to death. He has spoken through songs, blogs, thoughts; so many things. Allow me to start from the beginning.

I used to pride myself on my children. I used to think that I was placed on this earth to have them and that was my sole purpose. I used to think that because they were given by God, everything would be alright. I preached from a throne, looking down on the world below and wondering at why people didn’t want to serve the God that I served. I was wrong.

Suddenly, little by little, as God allowed, things started happening in my little world to knock me off of my throne. Children would get hurt, children would get lost, children would get sick. Somehow, I don’t remember as much the things that occurred in my own life, but, in the lives of my children, now, my attention was had. One day, the bomb hit. A child of mine, that I am very bonded to, became very sick and he was having trouble breathing. My husband and I went to the emergency room and I, staying true to self, lived in denial that it was an easy fix. An unknown mass was found and, for the first time, I travelled by ambulance to the childrens hospital for treatment. A week later, and many baffled doctors later, my son was released. He was healthy, but, the problem was an assumed old pneumonia that he never showed symptoms to. This one thing would change my life completely. Suddenly, God was God and I was not. I realized that I needed the doctors and they were people, wonderful people. That they must truly be used by God. But, a fear crept in as I found myself losing control of my throne. A month later, I gave birth to another son, who had a cleft lip and palate. No reason was found. I became robotic and I gave up. The only thing I allowed myself to know and understand was that God was real. I decided, I needed to rethink my relationship with Him.

From that point on, I have been reading alot. Not only the Bible, but others thoughts and opinions. I suddenly had a need for people in my life and realized that I was right on level with them. I realized for the first time, that I was not alone in this world and trust is my biggest stronghold. I no longer preach from a pedestal, but, I live the life that I hope would please God and I allow myself to make mistakes graciously, knowing that God forgives. I recognize that I am sinner, and not as strong as I thought I was.

I have read many things about reaching people for Christ. At first, the thought was very overwhelming as I was so broken and just trying to put the pieces back together. Now, God is speaking to me to lay down my Isaac and I don’t want to. In order for me to reach the world for Christ, I must entrust my children into God’s able hands. I must stop worrying so much about how another child might be influencing them, and start looking at that other child like my own. I need to step out from behind closed doors and know that God is watching and holding my children in the palm of His hands. I don’t want another bad thing to happen for me to learn to give into His authority. This too, is a fear and not a good reason to start trusting.

Perhaps you are reading this, and you do not have children. Or, perhaps you do have children, but there is something else in your life that concerns you the most, and it is hard to trust God with it. I hope this post helps you to know that you are not alone. I really believe that God loves my children more than I do and that His plan is more magnificent than any plan that I could come up with. Trust is more than knowledge, it is a physical act of setting aside something and allowing yourself to be; One step at a time, focusing on God and His will, and knowing, that He is in control.

One blog that really struck me, was this one. http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fkarenhammons.wordpress.com%2F2012%2F01%2F04%2Fthoughtsfromanover-churchedwoman%2F&h=WAQGdH0UYAQFXl_2GJ3v8JGgDVRVgR9rmaALucVvuoz3TWg   I hope that you will read this and get as much out of it as possible.

A Rotten, Pot-bellied, Fuzzy, Green…Thing.

   Call me wierd, whatever, I love the grinch. I love his snarl and his little potbelly. He is green and unrecognizable as a person or an animal. I don’t know what characteristic draws me to him the most, but, I would like to think that if I were a Who, I would speak to the grinch, respectfully, as a…thing.

I grew up with a collection of Dr. Seuss books and watched the grinch episodes many times. They never lost their thrill. To this day, I have my book collection that I am adding to, and my children are enjoying the grinch as much as I always have.

I can relate to the grinch. Christmas is coming and I have complained about the things that make me uncomfortable. The fact is, I cannot, nor do I wish to, live alone on my mountaintop complaining. There is a draw to the crowd whether I like it or not. Perhaps my complaining comes from a heart that longs to grow.

I teach homeschool and have  7 children by the grace of God. I have taught my children to read and write and do their arithmetic, but it was not with ease. When I started this, I had much less patience then I do now. It took one day at a time, one lesson at a time, and one act of will at a time for me to enlarge my patience account. I believe it is the same with the heart. So I will take one snarl  at a time and turn it into a smile. I will fling my regrets to the wind and extend grace to myself this Christmas. I will step down from my mountaintop and allow myself to see the people and not my discomfort. I will give myself the gift of an enlarged heart this Christmas. Hey, it worked for the Grinch didn’t it?

Then the girl, with a grin, welcomed Christmas in, when she realized it took but a tip of the chin. She slipped down from her mountain, with a sled and a smile, stopped puzzling over things that were not worth her while. With a whoop and hollar and a greeting for every Who,  she decided giving back grace was the least she could do.

” Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp. Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have we. Welcome Christmas while we stand, heart to heart, and hand in hand. “

Someday My Prince Will Come…

Growing up with Disney, I have seen many a princess dance in flowy dresses, twirling while all of the creatures of the forest joined her, and then, at the end of the story, they lived happily ever after. I spent my life searching for that feeling of happily ever after and when I found the man of my dreams, I assumed I had found it.

The Bible refers to Jesus Christ as your first love. I am not sure in what instance, but I will get to that in a moment.  I have often wondered at this because of the word first. First implies that you have been there before and are returning.

I went to a conference over the weekend and I honestly didn’t expect much of it because it appeared to be fun. Fun is so joyful and free. I am a very organized, planning person. I don’t feel like I am fun even though I can laugh and do crazy things, I never feel free from a schedule or a plan. At several points during this conference I was moved to tears. This is not unusual. But then, a woman got up and started speaking. She was kind of a funny lady and I was not expecting anything spiritual. She told her testimony, one that I could relate to that had to do with desolation of spirit where you are physically sitting in a corner and wishing to die. In her experience, an angel came to her in the form of a person and told her, the shepherd knows where to find her. At this point, God touched my spirit in such a way that I could not have planned or orchestrated. I was, as Isaiah describes it, undone. I could have pulled away at that point and cried for hours, but instead a song started. I tried to recompose myself as she started to sing. I managed. At the beginning of the song I felt a bit of pity for this woman because, she was such an average singer. I stood, I swayed, I sang along with her. The song was, how great thou art. Suddenly, as I was singing the words,” how great thou art,” it was like the angel opening the door for Silas and Paul to exit prison. My spirit was free and I cried at the release. God pinpointed that place in the center of my being that  had been guarded for years and He released me. He released the me that He intended me to be. Even now, I am in tears as I write this. The best way I can describe it is like a sudden shock, with an instant feeling of security. Like mounting up with wings as eagles.  My definition of returning to your first love is, revisiting a place that you don’t remember. It is being reintroduced to a God that you feel you have met before but yet are meeting for the first time. In one word, home. It is a home that has been prepared for you alone, but one that you have never lived in.

Ok, so now I have looked in the Bible at where this is written and this is what I have found. “Unto the angel of the church of Ephesus write; These things saith he that holdeth the seven stars in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks;
 2 I know thy works, and thy labour, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil: and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles, and are not, and hast found them liars:
 3 And hast borne, and hast patience, and for my name’s sake hast laboured, and hast not fainted.
 4 Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.
 5 Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.

This really hits home. First love means, superior love. I suppose this is what they mean when they say, “going through the motions.” It is ok to live the christian lifestyle, but it is awesome to be the christian lifestyle. To walk with God rather than walk at a distance. As a child, I dreamed of a prince, but I have been given a King to love me.

When the Soul Faints

Fear gripped a 5 year old child as she lay in her bed.  As she tossed and turned, the blankets pulled to one side, dishevelling her security barrier. She was afraid of her mother being hurt, afraid of her home being damaged, afraid of her best friend being taken away, afraid of not being loved anymore and afraid of the devil and demons surrounding her. One night, she thought she saw the devils eyes in her room, it could’ve been the moonlight, but even as an adult, she can’t be sure. She will never forget those nights. Turning her back to the room and facing the wall, trying to imagine angels in the room when all she could feel was fear, and always waiting for those eyes to reappear as she tried to figure a way to perhaps persuade the devil to like her. She thought, perhaps she could convince him she was his friend, and still serve God. Even as a five year old, she knew this was impossible. As this girl grew, she was always afraid of the dark. She was still anticipating another encounter.

The eyes are said to be the window to the soul. And in some cultures, the heart is said to be the center of emotion. In the Egyptian language, happiness means wideness of heart. I think there is some truth to this. I recall looking into a loved ones eyes and seeing emptiness and brokeness. Someone I needed very badly in my life. Those eye windows expressed to me that this person had nothing to give but the counter-reactions to a life that had been abandoned of hope. This person was filled with rage.

As an adult, when I saw the eyes of Osama Bin Laden, once again I was filled with fear. I saw the same empty look that was so familiar to me. A dark, hopeless look that reflected his heart. All the while, this man was a terrorist. He plotted and planned to kill people for an empty victory. Perhaps this man, having nothing else to turn to, decided to befriend the devil seeing it as the only avenue for escape. We could hate the man for all he has done, that would be easy to do. This man, just like the little girl spoken of earlier, was a child once and had to process survival at one time. This is how he processed. Kill or be killed.

The title of this post is, “when the soul faints.” The word faint, in the hebrew means to take away, waste, to end, to complete or perish. Have you ever experienced your soul fainting? Have you ever felt so helpless and afraid? Even if you do not serve God, if you became a caring person at all through all that you have been through, it is God working in your life. When you have a desire to change, God will give the 99% you need to do it. The 1% was your desire. Thank God for someone in  your life who gave you the courage to take the first step. Keep in mind as you go about your daily business, that there are many others who need to be led. There are many others who are at risk of becoming consumed by hate and your one act of kindness can change their eternity. We should not hate Osama Bin Laden, but mourn for him because his soul was no less important than those of which were his victims.

This is part of a NEVER BEYOND series started by the POTSC. Their goal is to spread grace  to all. For more information, visit potsc.com.